Empty nesters

 Marriage

This is a delicate topic but I’m putting down what I’ve observed in so many years of my life. What I think marriage should be and could be and what it definitely should not be. So read it with an open mind and a grain of salt:-) 

They say marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning! So if someone was dreaming of a smooth sail, it’s a harsh wake up call. Reality is almost always different than what we imagine it to be. It’s true for both parties, not just one. 

Reading books and watching movies and listening to love songs, we all make an image of marriage in our heads. It’s true for both sexes. Girls are looking for a knight in shining armor and guys are looking for a princess they can save! So most marriages start with this kind of a premise and therein lies the trouble. The idea of marriage has been romanticized for way too long. We need to define marriage very differently than it has been defined for ages. Make it a real thing, not a romantic notion. Tell the people about to get married the truth of give and take, not just take all the time. That both people in it are equals, no one is above the other. That they need to stand by each other no matter what. 

Take away the romantic description of marriage and you’re left with a legal contract that binds you to each other. Hence the marriage certificate:-) It’s an arrangement that you promise to live with the rest of your life. How you deal with it is totally personal and individual. Some people are absolutely clear about why they got married and what they are looking for. Some learn on the way. Sometimes these things work, sometimes they don’t. It’s not a contract where you sign your life away to the other person. It’s a bilateral contract. Keep that reality and truth in your life. 

As per my observation, good marriages are those where there’s camaraderie, affection and care. Love is just a notion that we all are chasing after but if you have these three, it leads to love. Also, in a good marriage you don’t lose your identity as expected by the society. You don’t stop being you because you’re married. In reality, you become a team of two, with the same goals and same ideals. If we can learn to be ourselves while also being a committed member of this team, it’s perfect. It’s a lesson that really should be taught to every young person entering into a marriage. Or even to ones who’ve been married for long and are still trying to figure things out.

Way too many times I’ve seen that social grooming and priming of our brains stops us from seeing things that are glaringly obvious to an outsider. The stigma of having a troubled marriage makes people keep doing the same thing that hasn’t worked for years. And the result is a team that has opposing goals and ideals. The very thing that was the glue comes undone. And trying to keep fixing it doesn’t always lead anywhere one wants to be. In fact it moves people apart and there’s nothing to keep it together. It happens. It’s as simple as that. 

I think marriage should be entered into with a mind for adventure! See what you can do with what you have:-) Its always a risk no matter if you have been given all the assurance in the world. It’s always a work in progress and something that you have to keep at forever. It’s like a good classic car, always needs tuning and servicing:-) If it works out, it’s a wonderful thing. If for some reason it doesn’t, move on. Human life is way too short to hang on to hope where none exists. Marriage should not define you, you should define what you want your marriage to be. 

So here’s to marriages, may we learn to understand what makes it work and what keeps it going:-) It’s a moving target for sure!